Before I started my Self Coaching journey I blamed everyone else for how I felt, my dad, my mom, my sisters, my coparent, my friend, the girl at work who gave me a bad vibe! Not that I was negative but if my feelings were “hurt” or I was “upset” it was definitely because they were not nice, or they were judging me, they “gave me a look” or they were thinking thoughts that were just criticizing me! (((Because I could read their mind huh?!)))
I made everyone’s body language, tone, lack of tone, volume and the words they decided to use mean something about me, about me as a person, as a mom, as a daughter or partner.
I knew how I felt, and I knew my feelings were valid BUT I never took responsibility for creating my own feelings.
I didn’t realize that by believing all the thoughts my brain offered me actually had me feeling more uncomfortable feelings than necessary. I didn’t realize that not taking responsibility for my emotions that I was giving away the power of my brain, my thoughts and my emotions, meaning my life. I was giving away my life. (Not completely, but enough to where it mattered and was affecting my life).
I spent more of my time, energy and emotions worrying about what other people thought of me. If they controlled my feelings, then I need them to like me and be nice to me and treat me nice always. So I had to keep others “happy”. I took on the responsibility for their feelings, if I can make them or keep them happy then they will like me, appreciate me which means they will be nice to me and I will feel good. (( NOT))
I spent YEARS of my life, doing things to make other people “happy”- so that they could think nice things about me and make me feel good.
I spent the majority of my life with NO real boundaries in family relationships, friendships or romantic relationships.
I needed to please others and BE PERFECT doing it.
When I found thought work and I learned about the brain. I learned the science behind emotions. I learned that my OWN THOUGHTS causes my feelings. ((I was mentally mind blown for a while)). Then I realized that if I causes my own feelings. That meant I do not cause other peoples feelings. I think this was harder for me to accept than the concept that my thoughts create my emotions. It was so ingrained in me that I was responsible for keeping others “happy” especially, my parents, my children and my partner. Don’t forget my employer!
So then I had to relearn emotions, I had to retrain my thinking, I had to relearn my reasons why… behind my actions.
Our feelings feel very real
We need to actually drop into our body and feel feelings ((that’s processing them))
Our thoughts create our feelings ((nothing else does)))
Some of the thoughts our brain gives us are not even true and leave us feeling feelings that we did not need to.
We do not cause other peoples feelings
I had to relearn what my role was then, in my life, inside of the family, friendships, and partnerships. If it wasn’t to make everyone feel good, what was my role.
What would my life look like if I wasn’t trying to please everyone else, and make them happy so that they would never be mad at me and I wouldn’t have to feel hard emotions?
I started uncovering who I was, who I wanted to be and how I wanted to start showing up for myself. That is when the real work began.