So everyone is talking about their Word for 2023- so I thought that is a train I can jump on!
Except for me its multiple words haha!
Resilience, Uncomfortable Emotion Resilience ...
I realized the majority of my life I have lived in a state of uncomfortable emotion intolerance.
Meaning I do not have a high thresh hold for uncomfortable emotions, what are uncomfortable emotions? They are the emotions needed to reach goals, take risks, be vulnerable, to fall in love, to advocate for ones self, to share new information with others, uncomfortable emotions are actually quite important.
So I want to grow in my capacity to FEEL: rejection, fear, anger, frustration, shame, humiliation, insecure, disliked, and selfish....
Why would someone want to grow in their capacity to feel rejection? Because when we don't want to feel rejection: We get small, we become quite, we hush or dreams, or desires, and we buffer through these emotions and don't always take actions towards our goals, dreams or desires.
For me it looks like not going on dates, not "getting too" attached to someone because they may leave, or eventually not like me. It also looks like me not posting or sharing stories about myself because someone may reject my thoughts, beliefs or ideas.
Why would someone want to grow in their capacity to feel fear? When we are wired to AVOID being afraid? Because without learning to feel fear- we will not move past our comfort zone, we will not change, nor challenge ourselves to become our future self that we desire.
For me learning to feel fear allowed me to share my queerness with myself and the world. For me learning to feel fear and not make it mean something is actually wrong, allowed me to move from Special Education to General Education, from full time teacher to part time teacher to start a Life Coaching Business. Feeling fear allowed me to start my own business and invest financially in my mind and the future of my business.
Why would someone want to grow in their capacity to feel anger or frustration? When we grow our capacity for feeling anger, frustration and really learning to allow those sensations in our body we grow our capacity to self regulate. When we are able to allow ourselves the space to be human- and feel all the range of emotions and not make emotions morally right or wrong, we give ourselves space to process emotions instead of being reactive and impulsive and acting so hard to get out of our feelings.
For me learning to feel anger and frustration allows me the space I need to give myself grace and compassion for being a human who experiences thoughts that create anger or frustration, while not making it mean "I am a bad person, a bad co-parent, a bad mom, or a bad teacher". Learning that I don't have to be happy and calm, and peaceful all the time is a relief- I want to continue to grow in my capacity to self regulate these uncomfortable sensations in my body.
Why would someone want to grow in their capacity to feel shame or humiliation? When we don't ever want to feel shame or humiliation, we stay small, we are not always honest with ourselves: our wants and desires, out of fear of what someone else would think- and then we make it mean that we are not a good person etc. When we are constantly worried about how other people think of us, or if other people think we are likeable, or any other enjoyable attribute-we are living our lives for others, we are not living our life for ourselves.
So for me learning the capacity to feel shame or humiliation will allow me to show up as my authentic self, to say the words I want to say, share the knowledge I want to share regardless or in spite of what others may think or how they may take it. It will allow me to be the Life Coach I so want to be. Right now, it is so hard for me to want to put myself in situations where I may be "shamed, humiliated, or embarrassed" (and my brain is so good at telling me the worst case scenarios) so I found myself showing up less on social media for my Business, showing up less in public and not telling people that I am a Life Coach and I can actually help them.
Why would someone want to grow in their capacity for feeling insecure? You see if you feel insecure and make it mean you are not good enough, smart enough, etc you can actually let the feeling of insecure- stop you from going after whatever it is you actually want.
For me growing in my capacity to feel insecure without making it mean I am not good enough or that I can't do "the thing", will allow me to feel insecure, feel the sensations it creates in my body and really know and understand that insecurity is apart of the journey, the journey can not be take apart from uncomfortable emotions. The bigger the goal, the more the goal is outside of your comfort zone, the more uncomfortable feelings are present.
Why would someone want to grow in their capacity to be not liked by someone? Well if you are always worried or anxious about being liked by someone- you are constantly worrying or wondering what they are thinking of you. So you aren't showing up as you- you are showing up as the you that has to be a certain way to be accepted by someone.
For me growing in my capacity to feel disliked- allows me to continue to be me, gives other people space to be who they are, allows me to have my thoughts and feelings, and allows them to have their thoughts and feelings about me and I do not try to control their feelings or thoughts about me through taking actions to "make them feel a certain way" about me. Learning to not be liked is accepting that I can be me, and not everyone will like me AND that is absolutely okay. Them not liking me does not mean I am unlikeable, or bad or wrong. Them not liking me is their autonomy, their right and their prerogative. It also gives me the comfort to show up as me, myself authentically without the pressure of having to "please everyone" or do everything right for everyone else. I can just be.
Why would someone want to grow in their capacity to feel "selfish"? When we do not have the capacity to feel selfish- it can manifest in different ways. It can look like putting everyone's wants and needs before our own. As a women in U.S, society has taught us that we "should not" be selfish- aka- we should not put ourselves first, take care of our own needs or wants, or prioritize our pleasures.
I want to grow my capacity to feel selfish (as society defines it) so that I can and do prioritize my needs, wants, pleasures and desires. I do not want to live my entire life for other people. I do not want to live my life serving everyone else and not being a steward of myself. This does not mean that I will not do things for other people or my family, it just means I will check in with myself first. Do I like my reasons for wanting to do this?
I want to learn to take the best care of me, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and soulfully. I want to really be there for myself. I want to teach myself that we can have fun, we can experience pleasure and go after our desires. I want to live life doing things for myself too. I want to take the best care of me, so learning to feel the pangs of selfishness are apart of it.
What is your word for 2023? Have you thought about growing in your capacity to feel uncomfortable emotions? Which one is the hardest one for you?