Podcast Blog: Episode 37 Intense Need to do Something NOW; Anxious Attachment

Welcome to Anxious Attachment Solution episode 37 on today’s podcast I am going to be talking about Anxious Attachment and our strong need to do something right now.

Have you ever been in a break up before where you felt the intense need to reach out to that person- whether it be for clarification, understanding or closure, or to just make sure they will still talk to you? 

Have you ever been in a situation where you are your partner get into a disagreement and you know they are upset at you - so you have to hurry and make them feel better to make sure that they don’t leave you OR you have a misunderstanding so you feel the need to justify yourself or defend yourself right away- reaching out - seeking understanding- seeking validation

You can’t explain it, you just feel like you HAVE to do something- You have to reach out to the other person for reassurance, validation or understanding.

I know the feeling, I have been there. These moments can range from something small from a text or lack of text, change of plans, to  big moments like breakups- this urgency comes up when our anxious attachment is triggered.

I remember instances when I was dating and someone wouldn’t text me in the time frame I wanted them to and I felt the urge to reach out- I felt like “here we go again” “it’s happening”.

I remember when I would overthink or over analyze a date - I kept thinking it didn’t go well, constantly critiquing myself. So I wanted to call them or reach out and see how it went. 

During a break up I remember the urge or desire to reach out to  them was so strong, it was so intense. My heart and body felt like I was going to die- my feelings were so intense, they were so strong. I also always believed my feelings.

During these situations - I believed my feelings were true,  If I have this feeling it must be true, it must mean I have to reach out- I must have to connect with them- I must really really love them. I really won’t be able to live without them. The hard part about “trusting our gut or our feelings” as anxiously attached people- is that we have to clarify is this my gut, my intuition or is this fear because of my anxious attachment?

You see our anxious attachment can be triggered or activated in situations where we think something is going wrong, where we think people are going to reject us or abandon us or not like us- and especially during breakups. And definitely a breakup because it is our brain's biggest fear coming true - someone is actually rejecting us and leaving us. 

Here is the tricky part- we don’t always hear our brain going to this worst case scenario sometimes they are just covered up by  thoughts like: “ they don’t like me” “I am not good enough” “ See I knew I was too much” I am too needy” - however these thoughts all lead to our biggest fear thoughts: They won’t stay, they are going to leave. They don’t love me- 

When I am working with women who experience this primal panic- this urgency to do something now- they tell me I want to just not reach out, I want to not feel crazy when I don’t reach out-

So what I hear them saying is they feel crazy when their emotions are high, and their brain is consumed with anxious thoughts that make them want to reach out. They don’t want to reach out in a “needy” way.

Before I teach you these concepts I want you to keep in mind as I teach these concepts separately they are simultaneously happening at once. So much is happening at one time inside of our body when we feel this intense urge to do something- half why we feel crazy is because so much input into our brain and nervous system at one time.

I will do my best to break it down- but know when our anxious attachment is triggered we have a lot of things happening at once: 

So I teach them a few concepts:

1. I teach them about this intense feeling called Primal Panic and where it comes from.

2. I teach them that all feelings are true but the thoughts creating them are not always true.

3. I teach them about their thought cycle- and how the thoughts they are thinking right now, are creating more fear on top of their primal panic

4. I teach them about the Urge Cycle and how our brain is seeking immediate relief.

1. When our anxious attachment triggers our deep rooted fear thoughts- we go into what psychology calls primal panic - and anxiety hyper aroused state due to fear that we are going to be abandoned or rejected - we feel this because we have anxious attachment and our brain is perceiving the break up / the miscommunication as the potential loss of a deep connection. 

We are having a flood of anxious or fear filled thoughts, since every thought creates a feeling- these thoughts create a lot of feelings at once so they feel really intense. These intense uncomfortable emotions tell the brain we are in real physical danger sending us into primal panic. When we have so many feelings we become overwhelmed and our brain becomes consumed with the problem. We feel so many emotions we can't always identify them all but we know it is a problem and we are not okay- AND since our brain feels like we are dying we have a strong NEED to hurry up and feel better.

I teach my clients that to neutralize this primal panic we have to think of it as an urge- even though it feels like an urge on steroids. Thinking we can’t handle these feelings, thinking that we won’t survive this, thinking that this pain is too much to bare, thinking this panic is too much will not help us when our anxious attachment is triggered because they create a lot of unhelpful feelings that add fuel to our panic- all of these thoughts adding more fear creating internal panic.

This urge is so intense because our brain is literally perceiving the emotional pain as physical danger and it sends our brain a panic response (we feel it as the urge to do something now) typically we have the urge to do something that makes us feel better in that moment. So we have to calm ourselves and remind ourselves that even though we are having a lot of anxious thoughts and our body is filled with so much anxiety we are actually physically safe in this moment. We have to show our brain that the true fear is coming from our thoughts and that we are not being physically threatened. We are safe, we are not actually dying. 

I want you to know I know how it feels. I know you are saying but Amber it feels so bad, I just want to feel better, this totally sucks and I don’t feel like I can survive this. I want you to know I see you, I hear you and I promise once you learn how to support your brain and your thoughts and yourself during these situations you will be able to survive this. You are stronger than you feel right now, and what is actually happening is that your body and brain behind the scene is filled with so much fear, so if you think of that of course you are feeling an urge to do something now.

2.  Next I teach my clients that all feelings are true but the thoughts creating them are not always true. What if I told you that All thoughts are optional and you get to decide which to keep and which to turn down the volume on, which to grow and nurture and which to call out and say thats B.S. Also something to note, we often have thoughts that we call feelings. They start with “I feel like I should text them, I feel like I should reach out to them, I feel like I will never find love again, I feel like … 

I teach my clients these are not feelings/ these are thoughts/ that are creating feelings of urgency

When we have this urgency and this panic feeling it is often being fueled by thoughts that feel true and real but are not actually 100% true. Thoughts like- “ I am hard to love, no one will ever love me, my partner is going to leave me, if my partner leaves me no one will ever love me like they did, they are my one and only true love and I am going to die without their love. See I am too much, or I am not enough, I will never be enough-”

Our biggest fear- fear of abandonment and rejection create the urgency and they are being fueled by these thoughts- that feel very real to us, because of our own belief in our lovability, because of our own experiences. But what if I told you- all of these thoughts are optional and we do not have to keep choosing these stories. We don’t have to believe we are hard to love, we don’t have to believe we are too much or not enough. We can choose to change these stories. We can change these thoughts or at least drop them and tell our brain that is not true, no matter what evidence you want to show me. I choose to believe I am lovable. I choose to believe in love and someone’s ability to love me. I choose to believe I am enough.

Number 3- I teach my clients about their thought cycle- and how the thoughts they are thinking right now, are creating more fear on top of their primal panic. 

All of the thoughts like  I am hard to love, no one will ever love me, my partner is going to leave me, if my partner leaves me no one will ever love me like they did, they are my one and only true love and I am going to die without their love. See I am too much, or I am not enough, I will never be enough-

have now created real feelings in your body- rejection, overwhelm, panic, fear are now in your body and mind. That is why you feel so panicked and feel urgency to do something. All of those unhelpful,  fear filled thoughts created overwhelm, fear and ultimately panic. 

So I teach my clients that now we need to comfort the fear and the urgency and call it out: We have to understand that it is our thoughts not our circumstances that created these feelings. It is our thought about what happened that are creating our feelings- it is not that they broke up with me, it is what I am making the break up mean (all of those thoughts)- it is not that they reached out to me or that they didn’t reach out to me- that make you feel a certain way- its what you make those things mean and the thoughts you think.

When you can really understand that it is Your thoughts that create your feelings you will have an upperhand on managing your mind and emotions during an anxious attachment trigger.

Well now you have these feelings- because of all of these thoughts- now what - 

Here is where we grow our capacity for uncomfortable and hard emotions for us anxiously attached. We have to learn to sit with and feel that fear- without reacting, buffering or shutting down. 

I want you to know that I understand how scary this is and how scary it sounds- so I want you to know that you can survive this feeling, this feeling is literally a sensation/ vibration in your body- so sit with it, breathe through it- where do you feel it? What does it feel like? Name it. I feel fear, I feel it in my chest, my heart is racing, my brain is racing, my palms are sweaty, I feel the need to move, my breath is rapid, 

Once you feel it in your body and name it. Talk to it- comfort it

I feel panic because I am thinking …. How human of me to feel this fear and this panic my brain is telling me …. Fill in the blank.  We have to sit with the fear- which is the hardest part for our brain and our body- because we believe the fear to be true, when we learn how to know we feel the fear AND know the fear is being created by thoughts that are not true nor helpful we can call it out, comfort ourselves and stop ourselves from needing to shut down or become reactive.

Finally I teach my clients about the Urge Cycle and how it leads to fake/false relief when we give into the urgency.

Those of us with anxious attachment when triggered and feel this urgency typically without thinking we either shut down ( psychology calls this deactivating strategies) we shut down in order to self preserve or seek reassurance/ reach out (psychology calls this hyperactivating strategies)- we do this because our anxious attachment cycle has been activated and we feel uncomfortable and don’t want to feel this way anymore.

When we don’t sit with our feelings, when we believe all of our thoughts it is used to these panic thoughts - we immediately shut down or seek reassurance- our brain gets a hit of relief- because we are taking action to feel better. Often though- what we impulsively do when our anxious attachment triggers is often not what we would choose to do if we were not in such a panic. Most of us are seeking genuine love and connection. Shutting down- shutting people out - or not communicating in hopes of self preservation is not out of love and connection but fear and uncertainty. Seeking reassurance, defending ourselves, need for in the moment problem solving in these moments are not coming from love and connection- but fear and uncertainty. 

How do we know if we are engaged in the Urge Cycle? Are you reacting or acting out of fear and urgency? Do you have unfelt feelings? Are you overthinking and overanalyzing the situation? If so then you are probably in the urge cycle and just trying to take any action to feel better. 

The thing is with this- it is only temporary relief often providing momentary relief that leads into another anxious attachment cycle shortly after- This relief is than a false sense of relief- because it does not handle or confront the actual root of the problem- which is your thoughts about what just happened that caused your anxious attachment trigger and your fear of abandonment. 

So what do you do?

You do a thought download: 

What happened? What does this mean? How does it make you feel? You feel urgency to do what and why? What if this wasn’t urgent? What if the thought creating this fear wasn’t true? Would you still feel the urge to do something right now? If you could chose what you want to do what would you do- if you felt like you had a choice to respond?

If you want to learn more about how to work with me email me at amberlynn@takingbackherbrain or follow me on ig at anxious attachment solution and dm me. I offer everyone a free one hour consultation so you can ask all of your questions about life coaching and I can share my program with you- so if you have questions schedule a consultation I can’t wait to start working with you and help you take back your brain from anxious attachment. !